Brayden looks and feels great… he really has no idea what is going on behind the scenes, other than that he caught mommy and daddy crying on Friday afternoon and asked what was wrong and offered to pray for us:) Sweet boy.
Friday was a pretty long day for dad. We emailed the doc early in the am and then ended up texting him around 1 bc we hadn’t heard anything back and wanted to make sure he got it before the weekend. He texted back about an hour later saying he has just emailed us a response, so I waited. And Waited. 15 min. 30 min. 45 min. NO email. I felt like God was screaming at me: “TRUST ME…. it really doesn’t matter what the Oncologist says, I am the one who holds your son’s future in my hands. Not Him. Not his wisdom. But my healing and sovereignty.”
So I walked away from the computer/phone and never checked my email again, fully trusting Gods message and the rest of the weekend has been glorious–Wouldn’t that be cool if that’s what really happened?!?!
I actually checked it 100 times and waiting faithfully for the email tone to beep:)
I remember responding (with Jen) in tears in our hallway (which is when Brayden found us), that God: “I do trust. We do trust.” I felt myself saying any and everything I have already written countless times in this blog over the past 3 years (April 1st will mark the 3 year point from initial diagnosis). So we cried out to God together, continuing to pray for healing and deeper faith for us as parents. I ended up texting the doctor again and he said he didn’t know what the email deal was, but that “I don’t think this needs urgent attention at this time” which of course on one level we think: GREAT, but on another we go to, ‘not at this time’ but later. Frustrating life, huh?!?!
Remember it was swollen lymph nodes we found (multiple ones) at relapse as an initial sign of recurrence and the only way we really found the cancer was to do the bone marrow biopsy back in Dec. of ’10. That was easy to do because we already had a procedure scheduled (we were still in the middle of treatment) and port in etc. Present day: March 4th, 2012: One little lump would not warrant a BM biopsy at this point, but could be the initial sign of something going on. SO the answer from the doc is, don’t worry about it right now–if it is something over time it will show up… it takes time for the cancer to develop from the Bone marrow and get into the blood stream anyways, and we will start to see symptoms if B’s body isn’t doing well. For some perspective, the Bone marrow test from 2010 was 75% cancerous, and yet there was no evidence in the blood at that point, so it does take some time–but Jen was noticing some symptoms then which SHE IS NOT seeing right now. She knew it in her gut back then, and doesn’t feel that way now.
But we still can’t deny the oddities and irony of Nov./Dec. of ’10 and current day….
–I am back in the swing of things at work and LOVING life, we feel a sense of normalcy forming again.
–I am teaching at Biola again, and have even had opportunities to teach at conferences and universities teaching a very similar message: Joy in trials and TRUST GOD always: His better is better.
–We have had the same family and friends visit in recent weeks as just before relapse
–We have a trip planned to NY (just for Jen and I) which we have postponed and cancelled twice bc of cancer and relapse.
–We have a fundraiser/benefit planned which happened just before relapse and is on the calendar for next week.
–I’m sure there are others, but this is all I’m thinking of right now (its nap time, so I’m not all here:)
But God is in control in spite of (and in) all these things, and actually we just feel like this may be one of Satan’s big attacks before we push through the 1 year post BMT day. For every eyrie similarity there is one or two large DISsimilarities. Brayden is NOT fatigued or tired, in fact he just jumped in the pool after going to sunday school, playing at the park and hanging out at a friend’s birthday. Energy he is NOT lacking 🙂 he also hasn’t complained about his bones or teeth at all, which were big precursors coupled with the lymph nodes.
I will say that this time has been unlike any other, in the sense that though our hearts have been swayed towards fear and worry; our gut/tummy has remained peaceful. This is from God alone.
Bottom line is we want to pray for healing and trust. We do not know if Cancer is coming back or not. But we do know that HE DOES and is in complete control. And that even if Cancer was ever coming back, GOD could in an instant stop it and kill it ALL. This is the GOD WE SERVE and the God we cry out to and the GOD WHO LISTENS and responds. So please join with us in praying.
Since Friday, we have laid low as a fam. Spent time enjoying each other and resting. The boys and I went on a man date to the beach to celebrate the life of a man who lost his battle to cancer and praise God for the lives we all have. WE then went to mini golf and had a nice Sat. afternoon hanging around the house.
Last night though Jen started to feel a little attacked and woke up this am feeling unsettled and a little worried:(
I quickly joined Jen in feeling sick for her and with her and then sat down and for whatever reason opened up FB (not a regular practice, when frustrated, but God using all things:)… and this is what a friend wrote:
Refuse to worry! In this world there will always be something enticing you to worry. That is the nature of a fallen, fractured planet: Things are not as they should be. So the temptation to be anxious is constantly with you, trying to worm its way into your mind. The best defense is continual communication with Me, richly seasoned with thanksgiving. Awareness of My Presence fills your mind with Light and Peace, leaving no room for fear. This awareness lifts you up above your circumstances, enabling you to see problems from My perspective. Live close to Me! Together we can keep the wolves of worry at bay.
“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”
A perfect message from God, about Him and trusting him….
Remember we have been reading through Isaiah as a couple and there is clear imagery about God providing those in Zion a crown of beauty instead of ashes (61:3). God popped the song by crystal lewis: “beauty to ashes” in my head, which is odd because (a) it’s the first song I ever “performed” back when I thought I could sing:) and (b) it’s not a current song making its rounds so it was simply the imagery from Isaiah and lyrics of CL that brought us encouragement as a couple that again: God is in control and His better is better. So we spent some time worshiping this am as a couple though itunes and CL:
He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair
When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy oer your head
Know that tomorrow brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said
From there I got in the car and headed to work/church and of course Chris Tomlin was rocking “Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other… Our God is healer, awesome in power, our God…. Our God” Again it was as if God was whispering: “Trust me, I’ve got it…. I’m in control”.
At this point the whispers were feeling more forceful and eventually felt like screams. I saw another quote on FB from a friend: When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t just throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the Engineer. – Corrie ten Boom Again: “TRUST ME, I am the Engineer” but more; Im the creator of the freaking train and railroad and COSMOS.
At this point I started to laugh a little, and then the worship team started to warm up which I can hear in the offices… they were playing a song entitled: “Today is the day” which is from Psalms 118, and has been a text we have claimed throughout our journey; because EVERY DAY is the day the Lord has made, even when and if we don’t get the circumstances we long/hope for. This song/psalms also clearly states: TRUST GOD!
I’m putting my fears aside
I’m leaving my doubts behind
I’m giving my hopes and dreams to You Jesus
I’m reaching my hand to Yours
Believing there’s so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
And I won’t worry about tomorrow
I’m trusting in what You say
Today is the day
At this point in the morning you would think I was fully trusting and living in light of all these reminders, but just in case I wasnt… Jen texted me saying that as she got in the car to drive to church and turned on her radio she heard casting crowns: “Voice of truth”. again God screaming at us (since the wispers weren’t doing it:) trust me. trust me…. trust ME. I texted her back calling her a liar as there was no way that song was on. That was the song from Dec. 1st after we got relapse diagnosis for God saying you’re going to hear and feel lots of crap along this journey and road–but you need to stay close to me. Listen to me. Trust me. I’ve got this.
So here we are this afternoon. Trying to trust more. Thanking God that he has proven and provided, over and over again that his better is better and in Him we can rest. Thanks for praying with us and for us:)
Grace and Peace,